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Your support makes all the difference.<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\nRead more<\/span><\/svg><\/span><\/button><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/aside>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\nThe impulse to shower grandchildren with gifts and treats often stems from a place of love and excitement, yet the long-term impact of such indulgence warrants consideration. <\/p>\n
Annabelle Hird, a BACP-registered counsellor and member of the Counselling Directory, specialising in supporting parents and carers, has explored why overindulging can become problematic, offering practical advice for families to navigate these dynamics sensitively. <\/p>\n
Why do many grandparents want to spoil their grandchildren?<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n Hird said: \u201cA lot of people see becoming a grandparent as a chance to \u2018do over\u2019 parenthood, and maybe make up for some of the things that they wish they had done the first time around.<\/p>\n
\u201cMeanwhile, there\u2019s also a real desire to have meaningful relationship with their grandchildren and I think many grandparents feel like they need to work really hard for that relationship with their grandchild. <\/p>\n
\u201cDue to change in dynamics, sometimes grandparents might feel like they are on the outside of something that belongs to their child.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn addition, competition with other grandparents might also come into play.\u201d<\/p>\n
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open image in gallery<\/span><\/button><\/p>\n<\/div>\u2018Children are like sponges and learn about themselves and the world around them by how they\u2019re treated by the trusted adults in their lives \u2013 such as parents, teachers and grandparents\u2019, Hird stated<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n
Do you think there\u2019s a societal expectation\/pressure to spoil your grandchildren?<\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/p>\n\u201cI do think there\u2019s a trope that a grandparent is the one that grandchildren will go to to get all the food they aren\u2019t allowed at home,\u201d reflects Hird. <\/p>\n
\u201cWe often see that in the media or have had that passed down as a narrative through the years, and so that\u2019s what we often expect from grandparents. However, that can be quite a damaging expectation.\u201d<\/p>\n
When can spoiling become problematic?<\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/p>\n\u201cChildren are like sponges and learn about themselves and the world around them by how they\u2019re treated by the trusted adults in their lives \u2013 such as parents, teachers and grandparents,\u201d highlights Hird.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo, in a way, when a grandparent expresses their love for a child, they\u2019re teaching a child how to give and receive love and how to understand I am being loved.\u201d<\/p>\n
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open image in gallery<\/span><\/button><\/p>\n<\/div>Grandparents often like to give their grandchildren money – but this can cause friction between the parent and themselves (PA Archive)<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\nThis can be quite problematic if they are equating gifts and treats for love.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf a grandparent decides to show their love by buying gifts or by breaking the rules, for example, it\u2019s teaching the child that when someone buys me gifts or someone allows me to break rules, they\u2019re showing me love, and that\u2019s something that will stay with them,\u201d explains Hird. <\/p>\n
\u201cSimilarly, if you are teaching your grandchild that it\u2019s okay to keep secrets such as treats and rule-bending from Mummy and Daddy, that can actually become quite dangerous.<\/p>\n
\u201cUltimately, spoiling comes from a place of love and a desire to have a good relationship, but grandparents think carefully about what they\u2019re teaching their grandchildren.\u201d<\/p>\n
Can spoiling grandchildren create friction with parents?<\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/p>\n\n
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open image in gallery<\/span><\/button><\/p>\n<\/div>Spoiling grandchildren is often a source of tension and can create friction with parents (Alamy\/PA)<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\nSpoiling grandchildren is often a source of tension and can create friction with parents.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf a child is getting one message of how to behave from one trusted adult that is different from their parents\u2019, it can be very confusing for them,\u201d says Hird. \u201cConflicting messages can cause children to think, do I have to pick a side? Am I letting my grandparent down by siding with my parents, or vice vera \u2013 and we really don\u2019t want to create that for children from a very young age.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have to think very carefully about what message that child is getting and also about whether you\u2019re damaging your relationship with your own child by undermining them and their values and beliefs about what\u2019s important for their child.\u201d<\/p>\n
How can families have productive conversations about boundaries around treats, gifts and discipline?<\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/p>\nRemove judgement and set <\/strong>boundaries<\/strong><\/p>\n\u201cRemove as much judgement from these conversations as possible,\u201d recommends Hird. \u201cWhen discussing differences in approaches, parents need to set out reasons why they have made particular decisions for their child, remove any judgement about how they were raised, and emphasise how much you want the grandparent to get on board with this and be apart of the child\u2019s life.\u201d<\/p>\n
Be curious and ask questions<\/strong><\/p>\n\u201cWe often assume that in helping other people or being supportive, we need to guess what\u2019s required of us or use our own judgement. However, often the best thing to do is ask questions,\u201d advises Hird.<\/p>\n
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open image in gallery<\/span><\/button><\/p>\n<\/div>You might be a helicopter grandparent if you show excessive involvement and control in your grandchildren\u2019s lives, often overstepping boundaries set by the primary parents (Alamy\/PA)<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\u201cIf a grandparent has a particular treat that they\u2019d really like to give the child, I would recommend being respectful and asking, I\u2019d really like to do this, is there any problem with that for you?\u201d<\/p>\n
Slowly re-establish boundaries<\/strong><\/p>\n\u201cWhen they\u2019re a bit younger, it\u2019s important to make sure that the grandchild doesn\u2019t feel like they\u2019re being punished in some way, or they\u2019re having something removed from them, if you want to do a U-turn on spoiling,\u201d says Hird. \u201cIt can be a gradual process of slowly re-establishing boundaries.<\/p>\n
\u201cMost of relationships require patience, and if there\u2019s something that we\u2019re doing that we\u2019d like to do differently be aware that it can\u2019t necessarily be fixed overnight.\u201d<\/p>\n
Give them time and attention<\/strong><\/p>\n\u201cTime and attention are the best gifts you can give and I think creating a really safe environment with unconditional love is really important,\u201d says Hird. <\/p>\n
\u201cIf grandparents can give their grandchildren attention, enthusiasm, interest and make them feel valued as a person, then they\u2019re setting good expectations of relationships and will help nurture good wellbeing in the long run.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Your support helps us to tell the story From reproductive rights to climate change to Big Tech, The Independent is on the ground when the story is developing. Whether it’s investigating the financials of Elon Musk’s pro-Trump PAC or producing our latest documentary, ‘The A Word’, which shines a light on the American women fighting for reproductive rights, we know how important it is to parse out the facts from the messaging. At such a critical moment in US history, we need reporters on the ground. Your donation allows us to keep sending journalists to speak to both sides of the story. The Independent is trusted by Americans across the entire political spectrum. And unlike many other quality news outlets, we choose not to lock Americans out of our reporting and analysis with paywalls. We believe quality journalism should be available to everyone, paid for by those who can afford it. Your support makes all the difference. Read more The impulse to shower grandchildren with gifts and treats often stems from a place of love and excitement, yet the long-term impact of such indulgence warrants consideration. Annabelle Hird, a BACP-registered counsellor and member of the Counselling Directory, specialising in supporting parents and carers, has explored why overindulging can become problematic, offering practical advice for families to navigate these dynamics sensitively. Why do many grandparents want to spoil their grandchildren? Hird said: \u201cA lot of people see becoming a grandparent as a chance to \u2018do over\u2019 parenthood, and maybe make up for some of the things that they wish they had done the first time around. \u201cMeanwhile, there\u2019s also a real desire to have meaningful relationship with their grandchildren and I think many grandparents feel like they need to work really hard for that relationship with their grandchild. \u201cDue to change in dynamics, sometimes grandparents might feel like they are on the outside of something that belongs to their child. \u201c…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":12241,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[2],"tags":[],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12240"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=12240"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12240\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/12241"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=12240"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=12240"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=12240"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}