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From reproductive rights to climate change to Big Tech, The Independent is on the ground when the story is developing. Whether it’s investigating the financials of Elon Musk’s pro-Trump PAC or producing our latest documentary, ‘The A Word’, which shines a light on the American women fighting for reproductive rights, we know how important it is to parse out the facts from the messaging.<\/p>\n
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Your support makes all the difference.<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\nRead more<\/span><\/svg><\/span><\/button><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/aside>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\nT<\/span>he compulsion to please others is inherently female. Say what you like about the evolution of gender roles and power dynamics between men and women in the modern age \u2013 everywhere you look, people-pleasing does not bear the same weight across genders. <\/p>\nThanks to a combination of factors \u2013 social conditioning, emotional vigilance, and straightforward sexism \u2013 women have a propensity to bend to the will of others much more than men, often putting their own needs to one side to prioritise (and please) others. This can mean saying \u201cyes\u201d when we mean \u201cno\u201d, taking on additional responsibilities we don\u2019t have the time or energy for, and never making time to do something just for ourselves, seeing it as self-indulgent and wasteful.<\/p>\n
Now, research has found how much of a toll this is taking on our bodies, particularly if your people-pleasing involves something known as \u201cself-silencing,\u201d ie, when you suppress your own emotional needs, overly monitor your behaviour, and refrain from self-expression to avoid upsetting others.<\/p>\n
One study conducted by the University of Plymouth found that women with fibromyalgia were more likely to report lifelong patterns of self-silencing. Additionally, a study of a group of Chinese university students in 2025 and published in PsyCh Journal<\/em> found that higher levels of people-pleasing tendencies were significantly associated with lower levels of mental wellbeing, highlighting their potential impact on students\u2019 psychological health.<\/p>\nAs Easter weekend approaches, and women around the country inevitably prepare to host families, children, and friends, how can we go about ensuring everyone has a lovely time without compromising our own needs and putting our own health at risk as a result? First, it\u2019s important to understand where the people-pleasing compulsion actually comes from. And remembering that this may differ between people depending on their childhood, their confidence levels, and the network they\u2019re surrounded by.<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople-pleasing is a learned behaviour, our brain and nervous system are always scanning our environment for threats, which can include rejection, conflict, and disapproval,\u201d explains Ruth Kudzi, coaching psychologist, and the author of How to Feel Better<\/em>. \u201cOn perceiving or anticipating a threat, many women have learned the \u2018fawn\u2019 response, where they pretend all is okay to avoid any fallout. By being agreeable and saying yes, they often feel relief and receive positive reinforcement, therefore releasing dopamine and reinforcing neural pathways, embedding these behaviours in the brain.\u201d<\/p>\n\n
\n<\/div>
Shake it off: Taylor Swift called herself a \u2018pathological people pleaser\u2019 on 2022 song \u2018You\u2019re Losing Me\u2019 (Getty)<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\nIt doesn\u2019t help that, for the most part, women are rewarded for this behaviour. Hence why we may continue doing it. Of course, we\u2019re going to keep people-pleasing if we\u2019re constantly being told how happy we\u2019re making everyone around us; being thanked and receiving appreciation is like kryptonite to a people-pleaser\u2019s brain. If you\u2019ve just spent three hours creating and running an Easter egg hunt for your family but forgotten to eat lunch, nobody is going to come up to you to remind you. They\u2019ll simply thank you and ask if you\u2019ll be doing the same next year. <\/p>\n
\u201cThis may lead to a pattern of behaviour where a person\u2019s self-worth is linked to being needed and approved of by others,\u201d explains Bonnie Lambert, psychiatric nurse practitioner at Crestview Recovery. \u201cIn a clinical context, particularly for individuals who have a history of trauma, being pleasing to others is a survival mechanism.\u201d<\/p>\n
In the long term, the ramifications of this kind of behaviour can be severely detrimental, particularly in cases when it\u2019s so deeply entrenched that we might not even be aware we\u2019re doing it. Again, this is common. \u201cI have worked with women who accept that they\u2019re a \u2018people pleaser\u2019, but the sense of nurturing their responsibilities and obligations feels somewhat natural to them, which is historically linked to both biology and societal expectations,\u201d says psychologist Dr Candice O\u2019Neil.<\/p>\n
Over Easter, this can get worse, particularly because of how many people you tend to be surrounded by \u2013 and therefore feel obligated to please. This is especially true if you plan to be around young children. \u201cChildren will be home more, and we might naturally feel responsible for them having had a good time away from the monotony of school, and to be socially engaged,\u201d adds Dr O\u2019Neil. \u201cThere will typically be much less time to invest in our own individual emotional wellbeing at a particularly social time of year, and for parents, we might feel responsible for our children\u2019s emotional wellbeing.\u201d<\/p>\n\n
\nIf you\u2019re a people-pleaser, you don\u2019t just attend Easter; you run Easter<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Jane Ollis, medical biochemist and founder of Neurotech Company SONA<\/p>\n<\/figure>\n
It can take a serious toll on your nervous system in particular, triggering stress responses that can lower your immunity and lead to illnesses down the line. \u201cIf you\u2019re a people-pleaser, you don\u2019t just attend Easter; you run<\/em> Easter,\u201d says Jane Ollis, medical biochemist and founder of Neurotech Company SONA. \u201cI sometimes think of it as becoming the central nervous system for the entire family. You\u2019re regulating everyone, smoothing tensions, and making sure no one feels left out. From a neuroscience perspective, that is a huge amount of emotional labor, effectively co-regulating multiple nervous systems at once. It\u2019s a lovely gesture, but it also means your own system never truly switches off. \u201d<\/p>\nThere are ways to combat all this, and ensure you\u2019re giving your mind and body some much-needed rest, though it will take some hard unlearning. Firstly, it\u2019s important to recognise when you can feel your brain switching into people-pleasing gear. \u201cThat lightning-fast, \u2018yes, of course!\u2019 before you\u2019ve even checked in with yourself is your clue,\u201d says Ollis. \u201cIt\u2019s often a fast, subcortical response triggered before the thinking brain has caught up.\u201d <\/p>\n
Once you\u2019ve identified what your brain is doing, normalise the process of challenging yourself. This might involve buying yourself a bit of time, telling someone you\u2019ll get back to them rather than responding straight away. It could also be worth trying to understand how your body has responded to what is being asked of you: do you feel anxious? Is your heart beating faster? Has your breath shortened? If so, take this as a sign from your body not to proceed. \u201cThe real shift happens when you stop outsourcing your decision-making to everyone else\u2019s needs,\u201d adds Ollis.<\/p>\n
Of course, all this is easier said than done. The good news is that once you\u2019ve started subverting these patterns, it will become easier to continue doing so. \u201cThe shift is subtle but powerful: moving from managing the external environment to creating a sense of internal stability,\u201d notes psychologist and life coach, Dominique Stelling. \u201cIn doing so, a woman realises she can remain deeply caring and connected, without abandoning herself to keep the peace.\u201d<\/p>\n
Not abandoning oneself sounds like as good an Easter weekend goal as any \u2013 especially knowing the health benefits. Good luck. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Your support helps us to tell the story From reproductive rights to climate change to Big Tech, The Independent is on the ground when the story is developing. Whether it’s investigating the financials of Elon Musk’s pro-Trump PAC or producing our latest documentary, ‘The A Word’, which shines a light on the American women fighting for reproductive rights, we know how important it is to parse out the facts from the messaging. At such a critical moment in US history, we need reporters on the ground. Your donation allows us to keep sending journalists to speak to both sides of the story. The Independent is trusted by Americans across the entire political spectrum. And unlike many other quality news outlets, we choose not to lock Americans out of our reporting and analysis with paywalls. We believe quality journalism should be available to everyone, paid for by those who can afford it. Your support makes all the difference. Read more The compulsion to please others is inherently female. Say what you like about the evolution of gender roles and power dynamics between men and women in the modern age \u2013 everywhere you look, people-pleasing does not bear the same weight across genders. Thanks to a combination of factors \u2013 social conditioning, emotional vigilance, and straightforward sexism \u2013 women have a propensity to bend to the will of others much more than men, often putting their own needs to one side to prioritise (and please) others. This can mean saying \u201cyes\u201d when we mean \u201cno\u201d, taking on additional responsibilities we don\u2019t have the time or energy for, and never making time to do something just for ourselves, seeing it as self-indulgent and wasteful. Now, research has found how much of a toll this is taking on our bodies, particularly if your people-pleasing involves something known as \u201cself-silencing,\u201d ie, when you suppress your own emotional needs, overly monitor your behaviour, and refrain from self-expression to avoid upsetting others. One …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":13923,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[2],"tags":[],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13922"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=13922"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13922\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/13923"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=13922"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=13922"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=13922"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}