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Your support makes all the difference.<\/strong><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\nRead more<\/span><\/svg><\/span><\/button><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/aside>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\nC<\/span>hat to any prospective parents and the chances are that they\u2019ll happily explain exactly how they\u2019re preparing for their new arrival. The colour of the nursery, the sleep plan they\u2019re intending on following (until it all inevitably goes out of the window), the extortionate price of buggies \u2013 all these minutiae are up for discussion. It\u2019s alternately charming and disorientating, seeing the friends with whom you sat on the school bus or snuck into clubs underage suddenly consumed by grown-up details. <\/p>\nBut there is one subject that seems to have the power to make even the most forthcoming parents-to-be fall quiet. Ask them about the baby names that they\u2019re considering, and it\u2019s as if a drawbridge has come up. An apparently innocuous question tends to elicit only cautious responses. \u201cWell, we\u2019ve got a list, but we\u2019re keeping them quiet for now,\u201d they might say, with a meaningful glance at one another. Or perhaps they\u2019ll outright admit that they\u2019ve come up with the perfect choice \u2013 but you\u2019ll have to wait and see exactly what that perfect choice is. <\/p>\n
It\u2019s a topic that Meghan Markle recently touched upon in an episode of her Confessions of a Female Founder <\/em>podcast. \u201cI will say this to every woman in the world or every person in the world who\u2019s going to have a child,\u201d she said. \u201cIf you have an idea about what you are going to name that baby, you keep it so close to your heart, until that baby is born and it\u2019s named. Don\u2019t ask anyone\u2019s opinion.\u201d <\/p>\nFor royals and us commoners alike, when it comes to naming a baby, pre-birth secrecy seems to have become an increasingly popular option. So why all the caginess? Might this cause friction if the family feels locked out? Or should we actually be rethinking why we feel entitled to ask about something so personal in the first place?<\/p>\n
First, it\u2019s worth unpicking what\u2019s in a name. \u201cWe attach huge importance to baby names because they carry identity, meaning and emotion,\u201d says psychotherapist Naomi Magnus, founder of North London Therapy Practice. \u201cOur name is usually the first thing people learn about us [and] can reflect culture, family history or aspirations, so choosing one feels like a big responsibility.\u201d Parents, for better or worse, are essentially deciding on how their kid might be perceived over a lifetime. \u201cIt\u2019s not just a name,\u201d says Magnus. \u201cIt\u2019s a story, a vibe, a lifetime of assumptions bundled into a few syllables.\u201d <\/p>\n
No pressure, then. What\u2019s more, our feelings towards people that we\u2019ve previously met, or even celebrities that we\u2019ve formed sweeping opinions about, can colour our response to a particular name. You only need to ask teachers about how their experience with various pupils has shaped their naming likes and dislikes for a case in point. And if you haven\u2019t fostered an irrational but decades-long dislike of, let\u2019s say, the name Harriet because a member of that particular tribe nicked your best friend in year 3, then you are a better person than I am. <\/p>\n
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open image in gallery<\/span><\/button><\/p>\n<\/div>Our attitudes to names can be shaped by people we\u2019ve previously met (Getty\/iStock)<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\u201cEveryone has associations with names, from schoolmates to celebrities, and those opinions can spill out, even unintentionally,\u201d says Emiliana Hall, a doula and founder of The Mindful Birth Group. And if parents end up developing \u201ca strong emotional connection to a name, only to be met with a raised eyebrow or \u2018Oh, I used to know a [name] and they were awful\u201d, this can \u201cquickly take the shine off something they\u2019ve put thought and love into\u201d. <\/p>\n
One colleague tells me that she found this out the hard way while expecting her second child. She and her husband thought that they\u2019d share some of their choices with their family this time around, but \u201cit was a huge mistake. Everyone therefore thought it was their right to comment or say they hated any name we suggested.\u201d Eventually, she says, they ended up taking almost a month to decide on one \u2013 and, even a few years on, some of the family still don\u2019t love the name. <\/p>\n
No wonder, then, that parents-to-be are wary of potential judgement or snide comments. When I ask a pregnant friend about why she\u2019s staying quiet until the baby arrives, she admits that she just doesn\u2019t want to know if other people hate her preferred names. \u201cI want it to be too late to change it!\u201d she says. <\/p>\n
When she puts the same question to her group chat of fellow expectant mothers, though, a handful of themes emerge. First is a sense of superstition that is entirely understandable during an often uncertain and stressful time. Some parents simply want to wait for the arrival of a healthy baby before they start making any details public, especially if they\u2019ve previously dealt with the heartbreak of miscarriage and pregnancy loss. Others worry that their name won\u2019t \u201csuit\u201d their child, that their kid just won\u2019t look like the moniker they\u2019ve so carefully selected, and then they\u2019ll have to perform an about turn. <\/p>\n\n
\nName theft? It\u2019s a genuine concern, especially if you\u2019re opting for something particularly unusual<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/figure>\n
Most common of all, though, is the fear of having your perfect baby name poached by a friend or family member, especially if they\u2019re pregnant too. Name theft? It\u2019s a genuine concern, especially if you\u2019re opting for something particularly unusual (you imagine that it\u2019d be hard to get particularly irate about someone pinching something relatively straightforward like James or John, say). <\/p>\n
Inevitably, it\u2019s territory that has been covered in that catalogue of thirtysomething experiences; in season one of Sex and the City<\/em>, the group\u2019s pregnant friend Laney reveals that she\u2019s going to call her baby girl \u201cShayla\u201d, a name that Charlotte (Kristin Davis) had told her pals that she\u2019d always wanted to use for a daughter. When Charlotte yells that the other woman \u201cstole her baby name\u201d, Samantha (Kim Cattrall) instantly struts in, calls Laney a bitch and marches Charlotte out of the party in protest. <\/p>\nIt\u2019s a scene that frames robbing someone\u2019s name choice as an act of betrayal (albeit in a very camp way). And it\u2019s not just the stuff of fiction. One mum-to-be reveals that she \u201cstupidly\u201d shared her favourites with a sister-in-law years before having children \u2013 only for said sister-in-law to claim this was her <\/em>favourite, too. When she eventually became pregnant, the sister-in-law brought it up again, telling her: \u201cAs long as you don\u2019t use the name.\u201d Another mother admits that she\u2019s previously had people in her inner circle use her baby name choices\u2026 for their pets. Many of us start mulling over the names we like from an early age; I remember taking a precocious interest in the naming book that my parents bought while expecting my younger siblings. Over time, those choices might become weighted with significance, so it\u2019s no wonder that having them \u201cstolen\u201d might be painful.<\/p>\nHall has seen this situation play out many times in her work as a doula (albeit with names being nicked for human babies, rather than fur ones). \u201cUnderstandably, it can be quite upsetting, especially if it\u2019s a name with emotional or cultural significance,\u201d she says. \u201cWhile no one has ownership over a name, it\u2019s the feeling of not being heard or respected that often stings. It can create tension, particularly if it\u2019s brushed off without acknowledgement.\u201d <\/p>\n
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open image in gallery<\/span><\/button><\/p>\n<\/div>Many of us start mulling over the names that we like from an early age (Getty\/iStock)<\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\nAvoiding a potential theft, though, means staying firm in the face of constant questioning from family members. This can be particularly difficult when you\u2019re grappling with a jumble of cultural expectations about pregnancy and parenthood. Lila, 34, tells me that in Spain, where her husband hails from, it\u2019s much more common to \u201cannounce the sex of the baby with their name\u201d before the birth; there\u2019s also \u201ca huge expectation from families to include family names\u201d. <\/p>\n
Choosing to keep their baby\u2019s name a secret, then, was more difficult, as it just wasn\u2019t the done thing. But, she explains, the couple wanted \u201can element of surprise for everyone\u201d and to ensure that they \u201chad something for just us\u201d. During pregnancy, she adds, \u201coften family, friends and society really do share your pregnancy and feel very entitled to personal information\u201d, including details that they wouldn\u2019t normally pry into: \u201cPeople ask about your weight or [other] random questions.\u201d And so for her, \u201cThis kept something for us, something intimate.\u201d<\/p>\n\n
\nKeeping the baby name private can feel like reclaiming a little intimacy<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n
Naomi Magnus, psychotherapist<\/p>\n<\/figure>\n
Psychotherapist Magnus agrees that staying quiet can be a way to \u201cpreserve a bit of magic\u201d, and \u201cto stay in control during an emotional time\u201d when parents (especially mothers) are often being bombarded by judgement. \u201cPregnant women are often asked for \u2018bump updates\u2019 and given unsolicited advice, so keeping the baby name private can feel like reclaiming a little intimacy,\u201d she says. \u201cIt\u2019s something just for the parents, a secret to savour before everything becomes everyone\u2019s business.\u201d <\/p>\n
At a time when boundaries \u201care constantly tested\u201d, she adds, \u201cholding this one thing close can feel grounding and special. It\u2019s less about secrecy, more about preserving a moment that\u2019s truly theirs\u201d. <\/p>\n
Of course, not everyone is fussed about keeping their baby\u2019s name under wraps. Some feel like their choice being public early on helps them feel an even greater bond with their unborn child; others want to share the news with family if they\u2019ve decided to name the little one in tribute (it also gives others a head start on buying any personalised baby bits and pieces). <\/p>\n
Hall adds that this can also \u201chelp them test how the name lands\u201d. Indeed, one of the mums in the aforementioned group chat takes a very unique approach: sharing some of her potential choices with her colleagues and asking them to think about any playground insults that they might inspire, especially in conjunction with the baby\u2019s surname. You\u2019ve got to admire her forward thinking. <\/p>\n
Essentially, Hall adds, as with all parenting decisions, \u201cThere\u2019s no one right way, just what feels right for [you].\u201d So next time a prospective parent shuts down your well-meaning questions, don\u2019t take offence. As Hall puts it, \u201cIt\u2019s usually less about being mysterious, and more about protecting something deeply personal.\u201d <\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Your support helps us to tell the story From reproductive rights to climate change to Big Tech, The Independent is on the ground when the story is developing. Whether it’s investigating the financials of Elon Musk’s pro-Trump PAC or producing our latest documentary, ‘The A Word’, which shines a light on the American women fighting for reproductive rights, we know how important it is to parse out the facts from the messaging. At such a critical moment in US history, we need reporters on the ground. Your donation allows us to keep sending journalists to speak to both sides of the story. The Independent is trusted by Americans across the entire political spectrum. And unlike many other quality news outlets, we choose not to lock Americans out of our reporting and analysis with paywalls. We believe quality journalism should be available to everyone, paid for by those who can afford it. Your support makes all the difference. Read more Chat to any prospective parents and the chances are that they\u2019ll happily explain exactly how they\u2019re preparing for their new arrival. The colour of the nursery, the sleep plan they\u2019re intending on following (until it all inevitably goes out of the window), the extortionate price of buggies \u2013 all these minutiae are up for discussion. It\u2019s alternately charming and disorientating, seeing the friends with whom you sat on the school bus or snuck into clubs underage suddenly consumed by grown-up details. But there is one subject that seems to have the power to make even the most forthcoming parents-to-be fall quiet. Ask them about the baby names that they\u2019re considering, and it\u2019s as if a drawbridge has come up. An apparently innocuous question tends to elicit only cautious responses. \u201cWell, we\u2019ve got a list, but we\u2019re keeping them quiet for now,\u201d they might say, with a meaningful glance at one another. Or perhaps they\u2019ll outright admit that they\u2019ve come up with the perfect choice \u2013 but you\u2019ll have to wait and see exactly w…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2119,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[2],"tags":[],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2118"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2118"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2118\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2119"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2118"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2118"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.seekyourlove.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2118"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}