S<\/span>ky diving. Playing padel. Running a marathon with zero training; The list of things men will do instead of going to therapy is so vast and vibrant that it\u2019s now one corner of the internet\u2019s favourite running joke.<\/p>\nIn the UK, nearly half (48 per cent) of British men have never considered going to therapy, and one in 10 believe the treatment \u201cisn\u2019t meant for men\u201d, according to a new survey commissioned by BetterHelp, the world\u2019s largest online therapy platform. Their research found that men are six times more likely than women to think their friends would make fun of them for having therapy. Among those who try it, more than one in five (21 per cent) stop after a single session, with many saying they \u201cshould be able to handle things themselves\u201d. <\/p>\n
Meanwhile, as has been well documented during Men\u2019s Mental Health Month this November, men are in a wellbeing crisis. Suicide is the single leading cause of death for men under 50 in the UK. Many men don\u2019t even realise they\u2019re struggling with depression as it\u2019s masked by daily distractions like work and socialising. They are functioning normally, but with problematic thought patterns. Therapy won\u2019t magically solve these issues \u2013 but it can help. <\/p>\n
\u201cYou get an MOT on your car once a year,\u201d says therapist Richard Whitenstall, whose father died by suicide. \u201cIf something is bothering you, go and get yourself checked out in the same way. It\u2019s a way to understand yourself a little bit better… and it can make such a difference when you get back in the driving seat.\u201d <\/p>\n
Ironically, many of the men who I try to speak to about why they won\u2019t go to therapy don\u2019t want to talk about it. But James*, who agrees to chat under a pseudonym, says: \u201cI think there is a kind of arrogance in thinking \u2018I can solve my own problems\u2019. I imagine there\u2019s an emotional repression in that\u2026\u201d he reflects, before awkwardly caveating away from the topic altogether and onto the cold weather. \u201cMaybe I would benefit from this, who knows?\u201d he adds. <\/p>\n
Whitenstall says that men are most likely to be convinced to try if they hear stories from other men who\u2019ve done it. \u201cThey don\u2019t know what to expect,\u201d he says. \u201cThey have worries that have been going around their heads for years that they\u2019ve never bounced off anybody else. Being in a vulnerable place is not comfortable for a lot of people, especially guys.\u201d <\/p>\n
While many women recommend therapy to their friends like it\u2019s a new pilates studio they\u2019ve discovered, men are often more covert if they do take the leap and start treatment. <\/p>\n
\u201cI had a client recently who was in his late twenties and he was<\/em> speaking about it, because he was making such progress,\u201d Whitenstall says. \u201cHe was down the pub and mentioned it and it turned out that out of a group of eight of them, five were in therapy \u2013 but none of them had ever said that. It\u2019s often not until people notice positive changes in the person\u2019s behaviour that it even comes up.\u201d <\/p>\n\u201cI didn\u2019t know how it was going to land,\u201d says 27-year-old Jared of the reason he used to keep his appointments quiet. \u201cBut that was a few years ago and it feels like the narrative has changed. It might also be because the more you do it, the more comfortable you get, but I\u2019m borderline preachy about it now,\u201d he says. \u201cYou go to the gym and work out… I see therapy as another form of exercise. You work on your fitness if you get out of shape.\u201d<\/p>\n
Of the men who have<\/em> been to therapy, 73 per cent told the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy that it was helpful. <\/p>\nBut much like dating, it can take time to find the right therapist. \u201cThere\u2019s a high proportion of women therapists to male therapists; There aren\u2019t very many of us, but the number is growing,\u201d says Whitenstall. In 2022, the NHS reported that roughly 17 per cent of staff in talking therapies were male, while 80 per cent were female. \u201cMen might feel more comfortable talking to a man. That\u2019s something you can choose.\u201d<\/p>\n
There are other reasons for men to consider therapy. While suicide is the single leading cause of death for men under 50 in the UK, men\u2019s violence against women is a leading cause of premature death for women globally, according to the Femicide Census. This was declared a national emergency last year, with the National Police Chief\u2019s Council estimating 2 million women a year to be victims of male violence. \u201cIf you\u2019ve got unresolved trauma, it\u2019s like carrying around an unexploded bomb,\u201d says Whitenstall. \u201cIt\u2019s going to go off. It\u2019s not an excuse for what they\u2019re doing, but this is just a really unhealthy way it\u2019s come out \u2013 rather than in a controlled way.\u201d <\/p>\n
Many men are taught to be tough as children, and this stoicism is later worn like a badge of pride. \u201cThe last time I was emotional was probably 12 years ago at my grandmother\u2019s funeral,\u201d Piers Morgan declared on This Morning<\/em> on Men\u2019s Mental Health Day last week. \u201cThere are times and a place for it. Men have been conditioned, oddly, in the last few years to be something that no woman I know actually wants them to be, which is a bunch of frequent blubbers.\u201d<\/p>\nThis is fundamentally wrong. Many women want men to be emotionally intelligent. \u201cI wish men would communicate their feelings more often, whether good or bad,\u201d one of hundreds of women expressing this opinion on TikTok makes clear. \u201cI know men are conditioned to be not as in touch with their feelings, they don\u2019t want to be seen as soft or weak, but as a woman, if a man can clearly communicate\u2026 it\u2019s very attractive.\u201d <\/p>\n
Presenter and women\u2019s rights campaigner Ashley James, who was arguing against Morgan this week, told him: \u201cThere\u2019s human emotions. There\u2019s not feminine emotions or masculine emotions. All people, unless you\u2019re sociopathic or psychopathic, have emotions. Why do you think there\u2019s a male loneliness problem?\u201d she asked, referencing the lack of deep connection among men. <\/p>\n
Our reductive view of masculinity is leaking into policy, too. When health secretary Wes Streeting unveiled a new Men\u2019s Health Strategy last week to tackle issues including suicide, alcohol abuse and gambling addiction, the top line was a partnership with the Premier League. Yet, research published by Samaritans found that social pressure for men to engage with \u201cmasculine\u201d pursuits like sport and drinking is having a negative overall effect. In fact, more than two-thirds of men (68 per cent) surveyed said they would live differently if they were free from social judgement, including taking up dancing, painting or singing. <\/p>\n
Plus, although Streeting announced he\u2019d earmarked \u00a33.5m for \u201csuicide provention projects targeting middle-aged men\u201d last week, the health secretary used his annual statement in March to decrease NHS spending on mental health services by 0.07 per cent, which the President of the Royal College of Psychiatrists, Dr Lade Smith warned equated to a \u00a3300m loss to vital services. This hit runs alongside the NHS treating a million more people for mental health issues than it did in 2019. So, whether you\u2019re a man or a woman, access to free care is often months away. Alternatively, online services like BetterHelp offer sessions for \u00a345 per week, or many employers now offer mental health support as part of their wellbeing packages for employees. <\/p>\n
\u201cLeave your problems with us,\u201d Whitenstall encourages anyone who could use support. \u201cWe\u2019ll look after them so you don\u2019t have to carry them. That\u2019s my job as a therapist. That\u2019s what I like to do. Whatever it is, I\u2019ll take care of it.\u201d <\/p>\n<\/div>\n
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